For many parents, the transition from dependence to independence seems to happen naturally. Around the age of 2 many kids start to want to do things by themselves. “Me do it, Mommy!” becomes a phrase that is heard often around the house.
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Or at least in many of my friends’ houses. In mine, my 2.5 year old son, Onetime, is still quite happy to let me pick out his clothes, dress him, and brush his teeth – you get the picture!
In fact, some days he still asks me to feed him or carry him up the stairs – both things he can do without difficulty. It would seem that what is naturally “supposed” to happen, doesn’t always happen with every child at the same time. (Author’s Update: About 2 weeks after writing this post – Onetime began saying “Me do it!” Yay!)
Big surprise – right? But, if I’ve learned nothing from becoming a parent, it is that all kids are different and have their own timelines, and each parent has their own challenges and joys with their very unique kids!
The irony with my son is that he is very confident.
When we go to any new play centre he can’t run away from me fast enough to try out new toys and see new sights. So, my focus lately with him has been on helping him become more independent in looking after himself.
I recently attended a workshop featuring Barbara Coloroso, author of Kids Are Worth It!. Her thinking on the topic of independence is that if we want our kids to eventually be independent and responsible citizens, we have to start at a very young age by allowing them to practise making decisions and choices for themselves.
One of her best catchphrases is, “Kids need to know HOW to think, not WHAT to think.” In order to do that, they have to have lots of practise!
Strategy #1: LET KIDS MAKE CHOICES FOR THEMSELVES
Barbara talks about how toddlers can handle 2 choices, preschoolers can handle up to 3 choices, and older kids can start to handle more complex choices. So – I made up a list of ideas for choices for each that I have gathered from experience, talking with other moms, and from various readings.
Barbara Coloroso also talks about the importance of honouring your child’s choice – unless it is morally threatening or life-threatening. For example, if your child picks out an uncoordinated outfit for the day, allow them to go with that choice! If they want to ride their bike without a helmet, that is obviously not a choice for safety reasons.
Strategy #2: HONOUR YOUR CHILD’S STRUGGLE
Speaking of honouring children, two other favourite parenting gurus of mine, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (authors of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
), talk about another strategy that can really help boost independence.
They advise parents to “honour the struggle” when our kids are trying a new skill and are experiencing difficulty with it. The idea is not to jump in and do it for them, but to acknowledge that learning something new can be difficult, and show that your believe that your child can accomplish the skill.
For example, Onetime is struggling with learning to put on his own shoes. He would rather I do it for him, and I have to admit, when we’re in a rush, I sometimes give in and put them on for him (I have to work on that!).
Faber and Mazlish would advise me to say some thing like:
“I know you can put on these shoes yourself.” Show that you believe in them.
“It can be really tricky getting the back of your foot in.” Acknowledge that the skill is difficult for the child.
“Sometimes it helps if you use your thumb to pull the back of the shoe out.” Give a little tip to help if needed.
Usually, when I use some of these phrases, my son persists with this time-consuming (for him) task.
Sometimes, after I’ve tried all these things and he still can’t accomplish something, he says, “I can’t do it!” to which I reply, “You can’t do it by yourself YET!“
The Canadian Association of Family Resource Programs suggests then saying something like, “This isn’t easy for you. What part might you be able to do?” which I think is a great idea. Then you are helping, but still encouraging your child to be as independent as they can be at the time.
These two strategies, allowing children to practise making decisions for themselves, and honouring their struggle, are powerful. They both put the child in a position of independence, and give them power over themselves.
As Naomi Aldort, author of Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves says, “Self-esteem comes from the SELF!“
Kids Books to Encourage Independence
As you may already know – we read a LOT at our house! I have found some great kids books that go along really well with this topic. They all focus on kids growing up and learning to do things on their own, and the sense of self-esteem that comes from that.
I Can Do Anything That’s Everything All On My Own (Charlie and Lola)
I Can Tie My Own Shoes
On My Own: Helping Kids Help Themselves
I Can Do It!: A First Look at Not Giving Up
I Can Do It Too!
I Knew You Could!: A Book for All the Stops in Your Life (A personal favourite of mine! Great analogy for life’s ups and downs and the importance of continuing to persist with difficult situations.)
Here’s to our children growing up…and becoming their independent, BEST selves!
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I haven’t heard about Barbara’s work, but I have been doing these very things with my toddler. I always encourage him to make decisions because independent thinking is such an important skill. Thank you for your very resourceful posts!
Thanks so much Tarana. Barbara Coloroso is well known in Canada (even though I believe she’s American) for her books and talks on bullying. When I was a new teacher, I read several of her books – and then rediscovered her more recently for her parenting advice! Thanks for dropping by! Sue
Really interesting post, I really need to let Monkey be more independent, I do tend to jump in for speed – not a good idea #alphabephoto
I hear you over40andamumtoone! It’s so easy to do that isn’t it? I still do it – even knowing how positive it is for him to struggle away. My goal for myself is just to try to let my son struggle more often. Since I wrote this post a few weeks ago, he’s already started saying, “I do it!” more often. I think I’ve just become more aware of encouraging him to try things on his own more. Thanks so much for dropping by! Sue
She makes sense and I am glad to say that we are doing some of this in the house already. I will incorporate some more of them in the future. I want to take thing slow not to overwhelm my son =) #alphabephoto
Thanks for dropping by Merlinda! Isn’t it nice to read something and realize you’re doing a good job already! Pat yourself on the back! That’s part of why I read so much – just to reassure myself we’re on the right track heading in the general direction we want. It makes so much sense to follow your child and be sensitive to their needs – all kids are so different. Way to go Mom! Sue
Another great post! Thanks for the tips!
Thanks so much for dropping by maggiemaysgifts!
For toddlers I think offering choices (but not too many options) can also cut down on temper tantrums (a little? lol!). Loving this series!
Oh – so agree Emma! Whenever my son gets frustrated or I get frustrated because he’s not cooperating – a choice always seems to work like magic! I’ve gotten awfully good at making just about anything into a choice. It really works! Thanks for the positive feedback and for dropping by! Sue x
Another great post Sue with lots of useful information. We try to provide POD with choices – she’s already hugely independent but also a threenager! Great tips, thanks for sharing with #alphabetphoto
Thanks for dropping by Charly! That’s great that she’s so independent – it may be challenging some days I’m sure, but in the end that’s one of the things we want for our kids right? Best, Sue
Great read, Mama! I use the choices technique for my kids all the time. It’s working great lately to “distract” my toddler from his fits. (Thanks for sharing at Mama Reads Monday, too!!)
Thanks so much for dropping by Krissy! Yep – LOVE those choices! Best, Sue